Okay, the holidays are behind us, so the risk of influencing your Christmas shopping should be negligible. Here they are, the 2009 winners of Light-Work Beaver Awards. These are the product offerings that capture the spirit of consumption and acquisition that is so integral to modern life. Just in case someone doesn't understand the literary style called "tongue in cheek," I refuse to offer links to sites where you can purchase this stuff. If you feel the urge to buy something, I will not be an accessory to your crimes against humanity.
The Flush with Cash Beaver goes to Renova for their "super premium brand" of black toilet paper. Nothing says "you've arrived" like TP that goes for about THREE DOLLARS A ROLL. Here's some sensible sales talk from the producer: Elegant, sophisticated, rebellious and eternally fashionable. Black has become virtually synonymous with chic and style but whilst it is often present in avant-garde creative work, no one has ever dared to use it for toilet paper until now! The idea is definitely different, yet there's something appealingly startling about it. Today's homes are becoming more open, less compartmentalized, more exposed to public view, and considered as places for social contact, sharing and interaction. People now view their houses or apartments as an area in which they can fully express their distinct, individual personalities. Now what could be distinctly more personal than a sign of differentiation in the lavatory? What a great idea! Now I can "express my distinct personality" with black TP! And who knows how much it will improve "sharing and interaction" at home. This is so exciting!
What would you think of someone selling you an air guitar? If you're asking where you can get one, you'll appreciate this year's winner of the Only In Your Dreams Beaver. For sixty bucks plus shipping and handling you can jump rope without, um, jumping rope! It's such a bother when I jump rope with rope - the rope tangles on my foot and stops twirling. If I could eliminate the rope, things would go so much more smoothly. Sure, I could just count while I hop and twirl my wrists. But this device allows me to do the same thing without the counting - ingenious! And there's no misses. It reminds me of a committee report I once heard in a board meeting: "The challenges presented by our calendars prevented my esteemed colleagues and I from meeting to discuss this important issue. But had we met, here is what we would have decided..." The Ropeless Jump Rope offers the same economy: "The challenge of rope jumping has proven greater than my reserves of vigor. But if I had jumped rope, here's how much rope I would have jumped..." Isn't there a story about a woodchuck that sounds kind of familiar?
Consider the lowly staple. I cannot think of anything so important to modern life that is, at the same time, so humble in monetary worth. It takes over thirty basic 1/4" staples to equal the worth of a penny. But I have reams of important documents that would dissemble into clutter without them. So let's give the straight-laced little wires some respect. Easily done with the Morgan Stapler, this year's winner of the You're Worth It Beaver. Let's say you're trailer trash but have just won the lottery. How do you plan to arrive to collect your winnings? Chauffeur driven limousine, baby! For a mere $68, you can do likewise and deliver every staple in style. The smooth full-grain leather will remind you with each document assembly to respect the lowly staple like it made the scene in a Lexus.
Here's my personal favorite, this year's winner of the It's About Time Beaver, the Runaway alarm clock that sells for $59.95 (for the special edition silver). This is so amazing! Before the Runaway you had to choose between two compromises. Put it on the night-stand, and you can enjoy the convenience of setting your alarm clock from your bed. But in the morning, that location might prove to be dangerous. It makes it easy and convenient to silence the alarm and miss an appointment. So, let's say you choose to defy that downside by relocating the alarm clock to a more distant location. Better for your morning, not so nice at night. Now you have to live with the inconvenience of setting the alarm BEFORE you get in bed. Why, oh why, can't we set our alarms on our nightstands and wake up to find them inconveniently elsewhere. The Runaway has solved this age long conundrum! Here's some advertising hype that explains how: Runaway literally jumps off your nightstand and sprints away - forcing you to get out of bed to silence the alarm. All-terrain wheels let Runaway roam throughout your bedroom on carpet or hardwood - actually changes course if it runs into an obstacle! Lets you choose your snooze time from 0-9 minutes, giving you one last chance to snooze before it makes its move! It's about time someone solved this dilemma.
So, which of our four winners deserves the Grand Beaver? You decide!