Stop Trying to Please Me!

Someone recently faced a tough decision.  We are not talking about a clear issue of sin, but a nuanced question of wisdom, of finding the best possible course among several viable and seemingly biblical alternatives.  He landed on what he honestly believed was God's best, but then wrestled with guilt because he suspected I would disapprove of his actions.

As a pastor, there is a fine balance between what my role IS and what it is NOT.  When someone seeks my counsel, it is my job to bring to the table as much relevant biblical teaching as I can find, then to communicate with passion and clarity what I am convinced is authoritative and pertinent.  At the end of such speech is an invisible line I dare not cross.  I cannot make someone else's decision.  I am not the ultimate judge of those decisions.  And, I am definitely not his God.  (This comes as no surprise to anyone, myself included, but in this case it doesn't hurt to repeat the obvious!)

In matters of individual guidance, I become a hindrance to God's work in others when I insist that they do what I say in order to respond to God.  I must give people permission to act on what they are convinced God is saying, even when their response favors a course that I would not choose for them.  The strength of doing this is that it grows people's ability to listen to God and to respond to Him.  When I cross the invisible line, I nurture a mindset in which "what I think" can easily become static that makes it harder for people to tune in to God.

I am not alone in my respect for the invisible line.  Even someone with the clout of an apostle warns against crossing it.  Paul instructs us, "One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike.  Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind" (Rom. 14:5 - NASB95).  The expression "each person must be fully convinced" asks us to "give another permission" to act on what he believes is right.  Have you ever tried to listen to one person speak when another is competing for the floor and refuses to be quiet.  I want to make receiving God's individual guidance more simple for the fact I give them only One Voice to listen to.  There is a time to speak and then there is a time to be quiet.

Comments

[Alex Marshall]

Very insightful, I really appreciate this post (since I am studying to become a pastor myself). I can definitely sympathize with the individual behind it, sometimes advice from people we respect makes us very unwilling to act in a way we think "won't please them" even if we are convinced another course might be better. I am definitely nervous about being on the opposite side of that where individuals are evaluating my advice... so your thoughts here have definitely helped. Also gives me more motivation to make my understanding of scripture more thorough!!

[Rocky]

The distinction you're making between matters of clear sin, and matters of conscience is critical for the health of Christ's body. All too often, I see Christians taking personal convictions (or methodologies) in gray areas (as described in Romans 14)and imposing those as black-and-white axioms for all those around them to emulate. The mature have their senses trained to discern good and evil (Hebrews 5:14), but they also know how to be part of a grace-based community that allows others freedom to be "in process" with Christ, and that respects each believer's ability to discern God's truth and obey His leading.

[Austin]

What's the balance between being too concerned with the opinion of a spiritual shepherd, and not concerned enough?

For example, Israel seems often to have given too little credence to Jeremiah and other prophets, even sometimes Moses.

Perhaps somewhere in the middle of the extremes, David seems to have been wary of confrontation with Saul, even though Saul was a king out of favor with God.

Contrastingly, the Corinthians divided themselves according to the "Apollos," "Paul," or "Christ" teams.

So, what's the bright line between unhealthy disregard and a cult of personality?

[Alex Marshall]

I think at least two distinctions might be sin issues and the "health" or benefit of the whole unit.

For instance, when Israel ignored its leaders, it was pursuing sin and unwilling to turn aside, which was clearly wrong. But when the church divided based on various "cults of personalities," we see another criteria, which was that the disunity was definitely not to the church's benefit, so it was criticized.

Not sure if that's a full answer...

[Randy Wellman]

It's always tough to make what are good decisions versus what are best decisions. I try to seek God's direction first directly, and then, if necessary, seek out wise counsel from others like yourself to add more clarity. With respect to crossing the "invisible line,” I don't find that a problem, but when trying to factor in God's sovereignty into the decision, well, that's a differnt story...care to comment on when "free will" counts and when/if it doesn't?

[Jeff]

I'm actually close to the opposite, Randy. I check with Godly counsel in conjunction with asking for God's direction. Generally, I've found that they work in tandem to point me to the next step. And Jim, you've been one person whose opinion I trust the most. Yes, I get that you're not leading, but you always focus my attention on what matters. Sometimes it's a place that I wasn't looking, but it always clears things up for me, so I can ask for God's guidance in a narrowed focus.

[Alex Marshall]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I almost burst out laughing when I read the last line of your comment, Randy. Care to comment on "free will"- that's gotta be the most fiercely debated topic in theology!! I would love to hear Jim's thoughts, though. But I have a sneaking suspicion that topic will require more than a casual comment...

[Randy wellman]

Don't worry Alex. I'm not taking it the wrong way....I'm quite famliar with you correspondence.

[MBV]

So Jim - are you saying that you crossed "the invisible line" in the case you described in the post?