At Light-work lodge we pride ourselves on extolling the virtues of sensible solutions pursued with diligence. No wonder Mr. Beaver is our esteemed mascot. So it seems fitting (indeed, sensible) that we would enjoy a brief beaverian respite from chewing on the weightier issues that constitute our normal fare here at L-W. Let's recognize the all-around good sense of some consumer products by conferring on them a "Beaver."
The fact that we are in the middle of the feeding frenzy we call the holiday shopping season certainly makes our work timely. For example, some find this sentiment perfectly reasonable: "For my birthday, I want everyone to celebrate by gaining weight, going in debt, and acquiring lots of stuff." For them, the Beaver's winners circle will serve as a fine place to locate exceptional stuff worthy of such a celebration. (By the way, if you think there is something flawed in the sentiment above, perhaps you are a good candidate to explore this post.)
I won't reveal the winners just yet. First, I want to help you appreciate the rigor with which our judging staff has approached the challenge of identifying products of surpassing value. Let me tell you about a product that didn't make it. The fact that this is an offering of such high and obvious merit ought to illustrate the standards beyond which one must excel to win a coveted Beaver.
The Fish Agility Training Set immediately caught the eye of our ever-vigilant product scouts. What better way to spend your days than in assisting "Goldie" to get more nimble! We found the text that accompanied the ad especially moving:
This complete set of underwater activities allows you to train your pet fish to perform a series of agility maneuvers, including swimming through hoops, pushing a soccer ball, navigating a slalom course, and more. ...With the included soccer goal, basketball hoop, and football goalpost, you can train your pet to practice scoring goals, slam dunks, or field goals.
Naturally, we were skeptical about whether a fish has the "RIGHT STUFF" for slam dunks - but we sought to keep an open mind. We also questioned the amount of time required to achieve this level of agility. I'm not trying to belabor the obvious, but isn't the use of fins a detriment to dunking the ball? If not, why haven't we seen more extensive use of fins in the NBA? Is fin assisted dunking possibly "the next big thing" to shake up the game?
I contacted customer service of the vendor with my inquiries about "how much time will it take before Goldie can slam dunk?" The customer service rep was not able to answer my questions so she conferred with the technical services department. I guess "how long does it take" is more of a technical question. They were unable to locate any answers in their product manuals and guides. I asked if anyone had actually trained a fish using the kit - they answered that this was a product that had been demonstrated, but not actually tested. My bright hopes for Goldie's future as the next Michael Jordan were dimmed.
After watching this clip of "Comet," a dean's list graduate of Fish Agility University, my aspirations for Goldie briefly flickered to life. Alas, Comet was unavailable for comment to the question, "How long did it take you to learn this?" Hence an unassailable cloud of uncertainty hangs over the Fish Agility Training set. If you are going to waste time training a fish in the execution of maneuvers of dubious value, you have a right to know whether hours, days, or months will be the measure of that waste. Who could dwell in joy in the looming shadow of such unmeasured pointlessness? Comet is impressive (especially with the extremely cool music) but his gym is not ready for a Beaver.
Recent Comments