Can't We Just Talk?

 LD has been struggling with how to have a positive conversation with relatives whose words drip with venom. Maybe you've had some similar experiences: Parents who have nothing positive to say about you; coworkers who constantly fixate on the negative, especially your shortcomings; "friends" whose insatiable ego feels compelled to douse you with a bucket of cold water whenever you receive some token of praise.

The best way to avoid getting bit is to stop having conversations with snakes. So I have encouraged LD to simply excuse herself from the conversation when it has taken a turn for the worse. Alas, there are times when a silent retreat is not possible.

So let me suggest a second strategy that can be employed when "refusing to engage" is out of the question. Jesus taught, “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:27-28). To bless those who curse you means to speak well of those who are spitting venom at you. This will take some pre-planning and creativity. It will require great restraint and strength of character. But when someone lobs a verbal grenade your way, figure out how to lob flowers back.

Someone came to me a number of years ago profoundly disturbed by something I had said. Their words stung, particularly because they assumed the worst of my motives. After they had said their piece, I replied, "Thank you so much for honoring me by coming to me directly. I truly do want to please the Lord and your insight can help me do a better job of it." In essence, I blessed them for speaking to me even though what they said was painful to hear.

So LD and others in similar situations, you are going to have to ask the Lord to show you some scrap of nobility that you can verbally affirm. It can't be a back-handed complement like, "I can always count on you to see the hole in my donut."  Don't try faking it - It must be something genuine. Perhaps the negative parent needs to hear, "I am grateful for your love even though you see so clearly all my faults." Maybe your friend with a big ego would be encouraged to hear you say, "I appreciate your reminders that 'It's not all about me.' That is so true." (This last one works on two levels: It IS a good reminder for you but ALSO for your friend who struggles against the pull of me-centered living.)

It is EASY to speak kindly to those who have spoken kindly toward us. But it is a rare thing when someone returns good for evil. This is precisely the kind of response that can grab the attention of those caught in the web of negative speech patterns and provide them with indisputable evidence that there is a better way. This is precisely Paul's point when he says, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Rom. 12:21). When you bless those who curse you, you achieve a small but significant victory. Good will have prevailed by having the last word.

Comments

[LD]

Great Truth and thanks...
LD

[kathy douglas]

i might not be quite on the line of thought,but today there are so many opportunities to be negative,perhaps even hurtful by what we say. we often just explode without thinking about what we are saying or who it might hurt.while it is true, many times, people need to hear it, as the Bible says to season are sayings like salt.sometimes my husband has done or said something really hurtful towards me.I have to fight with myself as i want to return the hurt back to him.but i don't and at the time of pain i try to say or do something good for him.most people would say to him how they felt about the words, perhaps because i don't like to confront people, i find a more peaceful solution.having a self-sacrificing attitude as the Bible says we should, helps us overcome the evil with good.some people, like Jim, are quicker at thinking how to state a truth back to someone who has hurt them, i wish i could think that fast!