Proclaiming Release From The Parental Prison of Merit

We are just about ready to begin the grand unveiling of the stupendous and colorful chart of parental unit effectiveness. Click here to better understand the verse in the Bible that this chart explains. Click here to see actual fruit produced by the process depicted in this chart. Did you notice I have already used the word, “chart,” four times? You have to wonder if I have a thing for charts. Maybe we should make a chart to chart my use of the word, “chart.”

It is no secret I am a fan of charts, diagrams, tables, and graphs. I am especially fond of to-do lists with little open boxes beside each task. There is nothing quite like the joy of completing a half–dozen projects and then marking them with bold red, felt-tip checkmarks. When the checks keep coming, life is good.

Of course, there is a down side. I am well known among family members for underestimating the time required to complete a project. When I say, “Yea, I can probably have that done in a couple hours,” Rochelle knows to multiply by a factor of three. And when I hit a major snag, then the time table can go totally out the window. I have often arrived at the end of such days with zero checks in my boxes. On those days and despite my considerable labors, my list suggests I did nothing. No checks, no joy.

The chart that we will begin to unveil in the next post can be a source of great encouragement. It helps parents visualize the sequence and steps involved in the child-training challenge. Like a good road map that shows where you’ve been and where you’re going, this map outlines a parent’s journey. When things are progressing nicely, there is nothing like the joy of watching your children make measurable progress as they grow in wisdom.

But I want to prepare you for another possibility. We parents can wrestle with feelings of inadequacy. It goes with the territory. We want our children to turn out right. We want to do it right. But as we grow in our walk with God and in our understanding of what a good parent should do, we inevitably look back and see ways we could have done better. When our children are grown and make foolish choices with serious consequences, we blame ourselves for their decisions. We might not express it to anyone else, but a voice inside us accuses, “You have been a failure as a parent.”

So let me alert you to a looming vulnerability: The chart about to be unveiled can become an instrument of self-recrimination. It can be used (misused, really) to quantify our sense of failure. This parents’ roadmap objectifies how to be faithful, but parental faithfulness is not the sole, or even the most important, variable affecting how our children turn out. In moments when we are disappointed by our children’s actions and tempted to labor under the sense of parental inadequacy, it is time to meditate on a powerful principle: God’s grace overcomes my limitations and failures.

Paul asked God to remove a hindrance to greater effectiveness in ministry. God replied with a “no” and an explanation that changed Paul’s outlook: “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9–10). The power of grace to do good is greater than the limitations imposed by personal weaknesses, criticism, challenging circumstances, and even personal attacks. In fact, these hindrances actually provoke grace into a more active state. Paul is okay with his inadequacy since it actually draws out a greater work of grace which results in a more powerful ministry.

You might look at the list in the passage above and raise an objection: “Sure, grace can cover limitations. But what about when I am clearly at fault, when I have truly blown it with my kids? This verse says grace overcomes a lot of stuff but it says nothing about offsetting my failings as a parent!”

Fair enough - so let’s look at a passage where the interaction between grace and sin is specifically addressed: “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, even so grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 5:20–21). J. A. Witmer comments, “No matter how great human sin becomes, God’s grace overflows beyond it and abundantly exceeds it” (The Bible Knowledge Commentary, ad. loc.). Even as it pertains to our sins and failings as parents, God’s grace can produce results that transcend “what we deserve.” God’s grace does not guaranty that kids will turn out fine despite the failings of parents. But grace makes it possible for kids to turn out well in spite of the failings of their parents.

There are two ways to live, the grace plan and the merit plan. According to the merit plan, you receive your wages, exactly what you deserve. According to the grace plan, you receive gifts, blessings you don’t deserve. Everyone alive reaps what they sow, but the outcomes are profoundly different based on whether they sow to merit or sow to grace.

When parents sow to grace, they seek to be faithful to what God asks of them as parents. But they do so under no delusion that their faithfulness is the key to how their children will turn out. God’s grace is that key. So they trust in grace. They come boldly to the throne of grace and plead in Jesus’ name for sustaining graces of wisdom, strength, and guidance. They ask the Spirit of grace to give them breakthroughs and produce conviction in the hearts of their children. Although they seek to walk in obedience to God’s principles, they trust in God’s grace, not the merits of their actions, to make the difference.

Do not allow the chart to fall into the employ of the merit plan. Yes, allow it to show you how to be faithful as a parent. But be faithful in the knowledge that God’s grace is what will ultimately make the difference in your children.

In moments when you are discouraged as a parent, express your trust in God’s grace in words like these: “God, You are not limited by my shortcomings as a parent to accomplish Your good purposes for my son or daughter. You are not wringing Your hands in heaven, saying, ‘Whatever will I do now, given how much Jim (substitute your name) has blown it?’ I am choosing to believe that, by Your grace, You will take whatever scraps of faithfulness I have presented to You in my role as a parent, and make them part of a plan that shouts of Your goodness. You will give my children every opportunity to become Your choice servants. I confess my abiding faith that Your grace is greater than my failures as a parent. In the name of Jesus, Amen!”