Much Ado about What Kids Do

Parenting young children is like opening a present. When they do something funny, or creative, or unexpected, the event pulls back some of the wrapping paper. We catch glimpses of what’s really inside. Now that my children are grown, it is especially fun to recall those moments. I marvel at how their actions, even then, gave us clues to their character. (Rochelle and I fell out laughing this morning when we looked at this picture - it provides almost a dozen sneak previews of who our children are today!)

Actions declare identity: What we do declares who we are. As it pertains to our children, their actions are the prime window through which to see their hearts. Proverbs affirms this principle: “It is by his deeds that a lad distinguishes himself if his conduct is pure and right” (Proverbs 20:11). This verse is instructive for what it affirms, that a genuinely remarkable young man (or young woman) is made manifest by how he conducts himself.

This verse is also instructive for what it implies: What a young man says is trumped by what he actually does. The New Testament makes this very point. In context, Paul is telling Titus about a faction damaging the churches in Crete. According to Paul, the troublemakers “profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobedient and worthless for any good deed” (Titus 1:16). The lifestyle of the leaders of the faction proves their claim to “know God” as patently false.

So what does this have to do with our amazing chart  for home-based discipleship? In the previous post, I showed you one section from this chart and said, “The green and blue bars describe core content that parents will address from year one to the day a child leaves home as an adult.” Let’s clarify an important wisdom principle: The “core content” is far more than simple information. Yes, communication of truth will be required, but mastering the “core content” includes corresponding transformation of conduct.

Let me try to capture this in a very simple and practical way: A child has not learned a verse when he can recite that verse, or even when he can explain its meaning. He has learned the verse when his words and actions line up with the wisdom principles taught by that verse.

Don’t misunderstand! I am not disparaging memorizing and understanding verses. Far from it! Change of conduct is powerfully affected by these disciplines. But, unless a Bible verse or principle has come to life in the actions of a child, it has not yet been learned.

So when we talk about parents teaching their children the “core content” in this chart, we are talking about teaching to a point of life change. Parents are ready to proceed to the next content block when the conduct of their children demonstrates that they have mastered the previous topic.

The pendulum has swung too far the other way when parents construe what I have just said as a plea for merely outward conformity. Attempting to press children’s behavior to comply with some external standard without regard for the state of their hearts will raise hypocrites, not Daniels. As parents, we begin at the heart level. Wisdom produces fundamental heart change that radiates outward and produces profound and observable changes in conduct. This external evidence becomes the measure of a child’s mastery of each block of core content.
 
Our job as parents is to teach to life change, but life change that is produced by changed hearts.

Comments

[Lilly]

Great article! Training children in this manner is a tall order, and only by God's grace do we see this kind of transformation. I do wonder why we don't hear this message coming from the pulpits in our churches very much. It seems like young families desperately need this kind of training and encouragement.

[Jim]

I suspect that this message is not popular because it raises the difficulty level of parenting. Achieving external conformity, helping children memorize verses, and even training them to recite principles -- these are easier targets to hit than true heart change. In matters of the heart, we are ultimately and desperately dependent on God to work. God is the heart changer (Prov. 21:1). So when we set this as our parenting goal (and it IS the right goal), we are setting a goal that is beyond our reach. We are choosing to pursue an end that cannot be claimed unless God comes through and honors our faithfulness as parents. This requires a kind of faith and reliance on God that is rare. Maybe this current series will challenge more parents to join the ranks of these exceptional few. I have found that when God's people step out with this kind of desperate faith, it pleases God to extend His favor to parents and work in the hearts of their children.

[Jim]

Here's what I see: Austin is wearing one of his trademark capes, a tool belt, and a beagle nose. His hat is squared away and his look says, "let's talk truth." Definitely the flamboyant crusader for truth and legal beagle lawyer! Arian has her passy and banky - definitely into going cozy. Her nosepiece is adjusted to accommodate passy, so she likes a blend of fun and comfort. Notice how she is also working her elastic band to complement her hairstyle. Artistic! Then there's Alex. Ukelele held left-handed. Plus he is holding a wrench in his right. Definite signs of a guy bringing together music and technology. His nose covers his mouth - so he has no need to talk. A man of few words, to be sure! And of course there's the hat position and eyes that hint at the fun guy who makes you laugh with his subtle sense of humor.