To forgive or not to forgive, that is the burning question! Part 1 of 3

Boris and Natasha are at it again. We don’t know how it all started. But one thing led to another; voices were raised; things thrown; doors slammed! Now Natasha has gone silent by locking herself in the bathroom and Boris is doing a slow burn on the back porch. Boris said and did things he shouldn’t. Natasha, too. They have hurt one another and each done what is wrong.

They need to put things right. In any given marriage, one party is often slower to reconcile. Boris is that one. In the bathroom, Natasha has come to see the ways she blew it. She is broken over her sin and wants to confess her sin to Boris and ask for his forgiveness. Boris is not there! He cannot get past the harsh words from Natasha that are still ringing in his ears. He does not see his own sins, only hers.

In an ideal world, Boris and Natasha would each acknowledge what they did wrong and ask for and receive the other’s forgiveness. Alas, Boris and Natasha do not live in that world. Natasha is prepared to do her part, but is limited in what she can do by Boris’s pride. So, is she off the hook for forgiveness until Boris can confess what he has done? Great question!

In a recent training session for marriage mentors, someone proposed that the Bible teaches us to limit forgiveness of others to only those who confess their sins. The one advocating this view pointed out that God fully and freely forgives those who confess themselves as sinners and who ask to be forgiven in Christ; those who don’t acknowledge their sins and need for a Savior, reap wrath. So, he asked, why would our forgiveness of others be any different than Father’s? This viewpoint denies another our forgiveness until he confesses his sin to us. According to this view, forgiveness is only triggered by another’s actions.

I heartily agree the Bible teaches that God forgives sinners who acknowledge their sins and that we should do the same. But here’s the key question: Does the Bible teach that we should withhold forgiveness from those who don’t confess their sins? Do we forgive everyone or just some? The answer to this question has profound implications and the Bible doesn’t seem to clearly support just one possibility. So, it will take three posts to explain a nuanced answer that accounts for all the biblical data.

I.     Guardrails - The Bible clearly teaches three key principles about forgiveness. Think of these as core principles that are not in doubt and which give us a secure starting point from which to launch our inquiry into the question of whom we forgive.

    A.    God doesn’t forgive everyone.

God does NOT forgive some individuals. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, Jesus explicitly connects the climax of the story to an observation about God: “And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:34–35). The evocative image of a lord committing a steward to the torture chamber is held up by Jesus as an apt illustration of how the Father will respond to some. This sobering fact does not align with a politically correct view of God as a benign and tolerant deity. But it clearly affirms that enjoyment of God’s forgiveness is restricted to just some.

The writer of Hebrews describes the terrifying certainty of God’s judgment on those who persist in sin despite having heard the truth: “For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgment and the fury of a fire which will consume the adversaries.  . . . For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:26–27, 30-31).

The writer of Hebrews is addressing those who have heard the truth,  who have professed Christ, and who consider themselves a part of God’s people. But by their apostasy, they have blown their cover. For such ones, there is no hope of forgiveness since they have rejected the one true sacrifice which makes forgiveness possible.

    B.    Divine forgiveness is fundamental to salvation.

God’s “forgiveness” of our sins is synonymous with the provision of salvation. Here are two representative passages that make the point. ➊When Peter was led by God to share the gospel with the household of Cornelius, he explained that the receipt of forgiveness is the result of believing in Jesus: “Of Him all the prophets bear witness that through His name everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins” (Acts 10:43). ➋When Paul recounted to King Agrippa what Jesus said to him on the Damascus Road, Paul explained the mission given him: “to open their eyes so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the dominion of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and an inheritance among those who have been sanctified by faith in Me” (Acts 26:18). Paul is quoting Jesus who declares that forgiveness of sin is received by those who repent.

    C.    God’s forgiveness of believers models how believers should forgive others.

The Father’s forgiveness of us is presented as the inspiration for and example of how we should forgive others: “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). God imparts full and free forgiveness to those who are in Christ. Let’s call this vertical forgiveness. Believers should deal in the same toward others. Let’s call this horizontal forgiveness. Vertical forgiveness should inspire horizontal forgiveness. One should lead to the other in a right angle movement of grace that emulates Father.

We should forgive like our Father. And Father doesn’t forgive everyone. Those who neither “turn from darkness to light” nor “believe in Him” will not receive His forgiveness. So however we try to help Natasha, our answer must begin in an affirmation of these three principles: Yes, Natasha, forgive like Father. It is true that Father doesn’t forgive some, but those who believe in Jesus receive His forgiveness.

Okay, so now we have a proper platform from which to dive into two different sets of seemingly contradictory verses. Once set suggests that forgiveness is limited to just some - we’ll look at those verses in the next post. A second set teaches that forgiveness should be extended to all – we’ll look at those verses in the third post in this series. Does God expect me to forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness? As you will see, this is indeed the burning question!